They're like birthday presents for me! "Someone actually read your blog! Go see if they're still breathing!" A Goddess left a comment on my last post, and I just wanted to run out, find her, and give her a big hug for validating my existence!
This is what a hilariously pathetic freakazoid I am: I crave the spotlight so much, I actually get bummed when I find no comments after something I wrote. I mean, I who am filled with wisdom and knowledge beyond my mortal body, am just brimming over with insights and observations, just waiting here for you to peruse and be amazed; the LEAST you could do is comment! By now, I should be transparent enough to everyone who reads this (all four of you) that not only am I lying about this being an online journal just for me, but that I really really really really really REALLY hope a whole bunch of people are reading this!
As much as I try to deny it, it really is all about me. I could give Terrell Owens lessons about loving me some ME! I check in with God every day to make sure our schedules match and I give Him some suggestions about how I'd like the day to go. And then I walk out the door and onto my stage that is the world. Do I look okay? Which way is the camera? Cue the music, world, cuz here's your sunshine!
But enough about me. What do YOU think about me?
Here's what I think: I get tired of suppressing the above on a daily basis. I want so much to NOT be like that, that it becomes a chore NOT to want to grab the spotlight and be the center of attention.
This is what I mean: Paul says about his own personal struggles, in 2 Corinthians 12, how God had given him a thorn in his flesh: a messenger from Satan. Three times Paul pleaded with God to remove it, and three times God said "no." Instead, God told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
So many times I have asked God to take away these selfish feelings. And yet I can't let go. There's my weakness: no real desire to change. It's all an act. At least, that's how it feels in my darkest, most cynical moments. It's a vicious cycle: at once I'm struttin' my stuff for all to see, and the next I'm beating myself up for being such a self-centered twat.
God, I do believe Your grace is sufficient for me; please help me when that same "thorn in my flesh" tries to, or rather succeeds at convincing me otherwise.
In Him and around the corner (and eager for the day when His grace is fully manifest in my soul),
Al
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2 comments:
I go through the same thing, wondering if anyone is reading what I wrote. My blog is new, though, and I haven't told many people about it yet. So I'm pleasantly surprised by comments more than expecting them. And when someone out of the blue finds it, like a lady whose found mine from overseas, I feel really pleased!
You have good insights, and I've enjoyed reading what you've written. And I hope the WARM Place training has gone well!
Just for reference, I'm not reading your blog.
Oh, wait..
krw
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